Did I fall out of love or was I never really in love?
An age-old question. One that has led to the end of countless beautiful relationships and the ruin of the sacred marital bond. It is always the same. We meet someone, fall in love, then with time the “in-love high” fades and we are left questioning if we were ever really in love? Because if it had been true love it would not have faded away, right?
In-Love High Vs. True Love:
The truth is we never learned the difference between the “in-love high” and our emotional need for love. We always just assumed that the euphoric feeling of being in love is what true love should always feel like. So when it fades away, which it should and will, we assume that it was not the real deal and we simply walk away. We go in search for that euphoric feeling of being “in-love” once again. Some of us manage to find it, but only to discover later on that that too has faded with time. That is why divorce rates are higher for second marriages than first,and even higher for the third.
The reason why we fall out of love is simply because we never learned to speak our partner’s love language . We realize that our love tank is empty and we are unhappy. We view this shift as the end of the relationship, instead of what it truly is, the beginning of true love.
The “in-love” experience is the result of an emotional attraction. It is a euphoric feeling that we experience when we first meet someone and fall “in love”. We are so high on that feeling that everything fades away; all the problems, the flaws, and the red flags. For that brief time, our love tank is full and nothing else matters. But as you come off the high,which is completely natural and normal, and usually takes around 2 years, you begin to think rationally once again. You start seeing all the flaws and the problems in the relationship. Especially, if your partner has never learned to speak your primary love language, which is the case in most relationships, your love tank becomes empty and the relationship starts to suffer.
You both assume that that means that the love is gone or that the relationship is doomed. All of this is based on our misguided assumption that love is an instinctual reaction to an emotional attraction. When in reality, love is a choice. It is not simply a feeling, but an act. The act of true love is a conscious choice to love someone and that is the ultimate form of love.
So can love be reborn?
Can you fall back in love?
Can you love someone you have grown to hate?
Once you shift your perspective and stop seeking the temporary “in-love high” you will know that the answer to all these questions is YES.
Love Is A Choice:
Because love is a choice, and so you can choose to love your partner. You can show them that love using their primary love language. You can choose to fill up their emotional love tank and fulfill their emotional need for love. By time, they too can start to reciprocate and fill up your love tank, through which your relationship can be reborn. This is when a real loving relationship is born. Not just a temporary infatuation, but a choice to truly love one another.
Choosing to perform acts of love for someone you do not love anymore is not hypocrisy or insincerity. You are merely choosing to act out of love even if you do not necessarily feel like it, you are choosing to love your partner even when you hate them. You are choosing them, choosing this relationship, and choosing to fight for it – after all isn’t that the purest form of love?
For loving someone who loves you back is easy but loving someone despite all the bad, the anger, the resentment, even the hate – that is the ultimate form of love.
So why do so many of us struggle to love and be loved?
Because we fail to recognize that our partner’s love language is rarely the same as ours. We try our best to show them that they are loved and get frustrated when they do not see it or appreciate our efforts. In reality, we are communicating in another language. One they do not understand. Learning our partner’s love language is crucial to any successful relationship ,even friendships and familial bonds. We must also understand that each language has many dialects and we must identify the dialect our partner speaks and effectively communicate ours so that they too can learn to speak our love language.
I highly suggest reading The 5 Love Languages by the amazing Dr Gary Chapman in order to learn more about the 5 love languages, how to recognize your partner’s love language, and how to speak it proficiently. The book shares insightful knowledge and inspiring real-life stories that shed light on the power of the 5 love languages. It has the power to not just fix a broken relationship but also deepen your relationship with everyone in your life and provide the answers to many age-old questions.
- What happens to love after marriage?
- How to keep the love alive?
- Can a couple make it if they disagree on everything?
- Can a marriage survive infidelity?
- How to be a better wife/husband?
- How to save my marriage?
Until you manage to get your hands on the book, here are the five love languages and three tips from Dr Gary Chapman that can help you identify your partner’s love language:
The 5 Love Languages:
- Words of affirmation: simple and straightforward statements of affirmation and appreciation.
- Acts of service: doing things you know your partner wants you to do.
- Receiving Gifts: visual symbols of love.
- Quality Time: giving someone your undivided attention.
- Physical Touch:communicating emotional love through physical touch.
How to identify your partner’s love language:
- Ask yourself how does your partner express love to others?
- What do they complain the most about? Complaints reveal inner desires.
- What do they request from you most often? What they ask for the most is probably in alignment with their love language.
Don’t forget love is a choice. So choose wisely x