18 Qualities Our
New President
Must Have
By Noha Darwish
Only a few months ago, thinking of a new Egyptian President was a luxury we thought we could never afford. Fast forward to the current time and we find that everyone short of your building’s doorman is running for presidency. This can be viewed by some as irritating and by others as a true exercise of democracy. However, the fact remains that we are now free to fantasize about what we want our next President to be like, so let’s dream together! For the sake of being realistic let’s assume that the next President will be male, since only one female candidate has been announced.
1He should preferably be young. Considering our previous President was well over his 80s, perhaps the tender age of 60 sounds about right.
2He should have no military background and neither should his relatives or people that live within a 100 km radius of him, and must have not taken part in any military coups in his time.
3He must come from a normal Egyptian family that have a faux golden-plated Louis XV set (ta2m modhab in their house, a bawwab called Osman (with whom he maintains a love-hate relationship), and a serious problem with the building’s plumbing.
4He must have had at least one ‘foul’ sandwich per week; preferably on Friday mornings.
5He must eat from the food we eat. Yes, with the hormones and the cancerous fertilizers and everything.
6He must not own any items of clothing that bear his name in the form of miniscule pinstripe-forming letters.
7 He must not address the country with “Brothers and Sisters”. This is a country not a fraternity.
8He must not stage accidental and totally spontaneous media appearances with individuals who are supposedly laymen but are actually members of the police force.
9He must be allergic to hair dye.
10 He must appear human i.e. we can know information about his health and any general personal data that pertains to the running of this country.
11He must not enjoy flattery or allow people to read him poetry about how virtuous he is and how undeserving we are of him.
12Nothing shall be named after him, his wife, his children, or his hometown.
13His wife’s name shall not be preceded by mother/mama.
14 He must not bring the country’s traffic to a halt every time he needs to travel two blocks. He should think about investing in a nice full-option helicopter to run his errands in.
15 He must avoid having anybody stand behind him during speeches to avoid the formation of unnecessary Facebook pages and Twitter hash-tags.
16 He should have a twitter account but refrain from posting any updates about his mood and/or bowel movements.
17 He must know that he has a huge responsibility towards helping the people of this country, and more importantly the 60% who live in total economic, educational and medical despair. He must understand that they are priority and not the building of 100 new gated communities and golf courses or the accumulation of his own wealth.
18 And most of all, he must know that all of us will have our eyes on him, so no funny moves.
