How many of us dreamed of the white dress, the warm family and raising superpower kids?
How many of us got married as a result of peer pressure or to just break free from a controlling family? And how many of us fell in love and were confident enough that we will have the best marriage?
Regardless of the various reasons we get married for, do we ever think of the possibility that it might stop working out at a point and that there might be kids involved? And do we actually consider the fact that the kids have nothing to do with our choices?
We all have the right to choose our partners, and the right to leave our partners if we are not happy, but we don’t have the right to “leave” or “take” the child, we don’t have the right to get angry at our partner and punish them by using the children as a tool.
When a man gets divorced and stops supporting his own child financially, out of anger, revenge, or simply to teach his ex-partner a tough lesson, who loses more, the ex-partner or the child?
At such a point, the child feels degraded, inferior, lower in standard or even poor! This will reach them, damage and traumatize them, and they will most probably grow into unstable adults.
When one gets divorced and takes the kids from the other partner, or puts very harsh restrictions on seeing them or their family, it sounds like a great punishment to their ex-partner, but it’s a double-edged sword, one side definitely hurts the ex-partner, and the other goes straight to their own child, and the difference here is: your partner probably developed thick skin by living in this life, whereas your child is so fragile that this sword will go straight to their heart! Your partner’s DNA will not be wiped, your child’s memory will not be reset, so there is no point in doing this!
Direct and indirect brainwashing, emotional blackmail and emotional abuse by using simple words like “your mum left you”, “your dad doesn’t care”, “how come you love your dad more after what he did”, “your mum doesn’t have time for you”… etc grows on them and leads to many psychological and mental illnesses.
When we suffer from troubled marriages, we should try working them out and putting effort, but we should also accept it if we failed, and accept the simple rights of a partner who says: “I want out of this relationship” without fights, kidnapping or arm-twisting. Just the acceptance that we can’t live together and the effort to keep these kids stable and healthy by giving equal rights to both parents to nurture. Can we accept that and let go of our ego and stop using our children as tools for punishment?
Another problem comes from our culture, which we subconsciously inherited. Although, ironically, we used to hate it as children. We think we own our children and accordingly we control them. We need to understand that we bring these kids to the world, plant the seeds of our qualities, and when they are ready, we allow them to rise to the surface and learn from the world. Learn from the good and the bad because we won’t control the bad around them… so, guess what? Your partner is part of that world! So even if you think that your partner is bad, it’s your children’s right to decide for themselves, not for you to decide! Even if they are not good, it is our responsibility to polish this image and make them look “good” in front of our children, because after all, we chose each other.
Please take a minute and look at your life with your parents. How many times did you wish your parents didn’t control your life or your actions, thinking they were right, or worrying about their image in front of family, friends or neighbors, or respected your will in making life-changing decisions?
They thought they were protecting us by controlling us, while they were actually deciding our lives for us.
It is the other way around, you think you are protecting your child, but you are depriving them of their right to choose. We are here to bring them to life, take care of them, guide them and let them fly!
Most kids with responsible divorced parents who kept healthy relationships developed special personality traits like empathy, a deeper understanding of the world, high communication skills, and responsibility. They see the grey areas of the world, not only black or white because they have been exposed to different life experiences and managed them in a healthy way.
While kids with divorced parents who were raised with direct and indirect brainwashing, emotional blackmailing, and ugly stories about their parents or those who witnessed conflicts, mostly developed insecurities, lack of trust, blocking their feelings, resentment, fear of commitment, the tendency for mental illness, co-dependency and sometimes drug addiction. Most of these are coping mechanisms they have developed throughout the years to help them adapt to the harsh reality.
I know you are hurt… maybe because your ex-partner is not responsible financially, or because your kids have been taken away from you, or maybe because you think that your partner does not deserve seeing the child! In all cases, the children have nothing to do with our wrong choices. I have been there, I was hurt too, I was judged to be the bad mum who does not deserve to see her child! But I always wondered, will my child believe in the bad image, knowing deep down that if I was given the right opportunity, I would have been his super mum!
I will have this as my lifetime mission to tell everyone to stop using their children as a weapon. I will always work on this awareness and I will start my first campaign by doing a long scuba dive record to raise such awareness.