I’ve hit the backspace key over 10 times now trying to think of an intro to this article, an intro that reflects how deep the topic I’m about to dig out is. How many of us don’t have their demons? How many of us don’t have any “dark” secrets? I’m not saying dark secrets as in you’re a silent serial killer or anything but secrets that only YOU know about yourself and never had the guts to tell anyone about.
I’m sure some bells just rang in your heads but since this month’s issue is about relationships, I’m just going to pin point on one issue that I’m sure most of us are going through and wouldn’t dare to utter about. I’m not judging and not stating an opinion just yet, I’m just flipping the coin.
How many guys have you ladies REALLY dated/hung out with/had a fling with? How many guys have you fallen head over heals in love with? How many guys have you been so ecstatic about and said “This is THE one” and the “M” word is the first thing that pops up in your head? How many guys have you found so unbelievably irresistible? How deep have you gone in your relationships? I mean REALLY..?!
I’m talking about pre-marital physical intimacy! How many of us have been so in love with someone and felt that this is definitely the person that I’m marrying? How many of us felt so crazy about someone to the extent that we feel the urge to just let go? We’re all grown ups here, we’re all liberal to a certain extent, we’re all well-read individuals and we understand human nature AND we’re living in
If you tell your partner about your history, bearing in mind that we’re not talking about pre-marital sex, we’re just talking about physical intimacy. At the beginning of any relationship, we hear the poetic quotes like “Honesty is the core of our relationship” or the well-known broken record number 52 track 4 “I don’t care about your past, I care about our future together” and loads and loads of similar quotes. Being our emotional selves, we just spill it all out, honestly and sincerely. We get comfortable in the relationship and here comes the big surprise. The broad-minded westernized Mr. “Been there-done-that” who preached you about honesty and openness in your relationship together will start up his brain the minute any kind of intimacy happens between the two of you. “She probably did this with the guy before me” or “how do I know that what she told me is the whole truth”. The guy starts getting himself on that track of thinking that he might just jeopardize the whole relationship; maybe not intentionally but it gets to them. He goes home after a warm “mushy mushy” night with you and starts getting all those thoughts in his head, he calls you up, starts asking for more details, starts questioning your stories and he may actually create a whole scene for himself that would make it unbearable for him to actually go on in the relationship. It’s not mistrust in you as such but it’s just the brain-wrecking idea of you being with someone else. Do you know that feeling of seeing your ex with someone else after you’ve broken up? Even if it ended extremely ugly between the two of you? It’s that exact feeling for men. They can’t imagine how you, the sweet angel that they fell in love with could ever be with another man, especially physically.
I asked a 25 year old guy who’s quite intellectual, open-minded and westernized to a certain extent if he would he want to know about his girl’s physical history, and I got a very intriguing and rather complex reply: “I actually haven’t yet met a girl that made me feel I really wanted to marry but I think that if I do, I would rather respect her privacy on this. In the species of men, no matter how much we’ve been around and how many different cultures we’ve dealt with, at the end “e7na shar2eyeen” (we are oriental). Actually, if I fell in love with a girl I wouldn’t want to touch her before marriage because she’s valuable and I would like to keep her that way”.
His point of view was very interesting that I had to ask him:” You’re a man and you could definitely tell if she is experienced, what if after you got married to her, you realized that she is experienced? How would you feel then?”. His answer was “It would really piss me off and I won’t be the same for a while, however, it all depends on the girl and on how much I love her, if she’s THE one and I feel that she is very unique, I would sacrifice…c’est la vie”.
Tough equation!!
I’m not blaming men actually, I mean come on, look at the girls around, is ANY girl EVER honest? Completely honest? Most girls like to play the “El Khadra” (chaste) role, thinking it’s the safest way out, or actually, the shortest road to marriage!! That’s actually another point, why is marriage always a girl’s ultimate goal in life?? Anyway, let’s not get into that now, we can leave it for later. I’m trying to put the carriage before the horse but seriously, if you feel that you really have to play the role of the untouched angel then how about trying to wake up, realize that you’re living in an Eastern environment and try to control yourself, or just be straight and blunt about it and admit what you have gone through and that’s the way it is, it’s up to your partner on whether to accept you the way you are.
One of the girls, I’ve asked for an opinion had a flexible and very insightful point of view:” I’m an honest person by nature and I would tell my man everything but only if he asks. I wouldn’t walk up to him with straight broad shoulders and proudly present my book of sins. It also depends on the guy, if he was broad-minded enough to accept it, I will definitely share it with him, but some guys you know for sure would be out the door if you shared complete details. On the other hand, if he told me about his past, it definitely might make me feel like if he does this with me, he definitely did it with others but at the end it’s in his past, we’re starting something new together”.
Listening to her speaking with her emotions, like all of us hopelessly romantic females, got to me to a point; as a female, full of emotions and love for your partner, if your partner comes over and tells you “I slept with so many girls that I don’t even remember what they look like”, or anything of that sort, how would you take it? Would you be totally cool with it? These days it’s become very normal for men to have been around and we have the “guys are different than girls” law and all that, but what about feelings? Are we allowed to feel any discomfort? If your man touched or kissed you a certain way, would you start thinking that he did that before? Of course he did what are you thinking… but do you feel at ease? Do you still feel special or do you just feel like another sexual-energy reliever at his disposal? Men don’t realize that, some of them think it’s something to show off with and brag about. They don’t realize that it might make us a bit vigilant and distressed, but I have to tell you ladies, don’t go too far with thinking about it because fact is: No man has NEVER touched a female before, at least the kind you would want to be with.
I chose to mention this opinion at the end of my article as I very much respect and totally agree with it. It was from a man who obviously has a very well-balanced mentality and deeply understands the way life is:” I don’t want to know anything about my girl’s history, it wouldn’t be easy to swallow. What happened in her past is hers, and on the other hand, what happened in my past is mine! Even if she came over and started to tell me about it I’d ask her to stop.”
Anyway, to round it up, I personally think that the best rule in this case is the “What you don’t know won’t hurt you” rule. It’s the temperate solution, it’s the middle ground. I don’t believe acting helps and I also don’t think that complete bluntness helps either, especially in our culture regarding this issue specifically. However, knowing how Eastern men are, they
I’m in no place to give advice but I am going to anyway: be yourselves and just leave the skeletons in the closet, what do you need them for anyway?
