Think about your partner for a second; do you think you are giving them enough space? Or it would make them a little happier if you were okay with him going away with his buddies for New Years? And if you would allow her to keep her male best friend as she always had for years before she knew you?
What I am getting at is simple; when a man and a woman are single, each of them has his own separate life. When they decide to get into a relationship, they start off with an optimum degree of freedom and space while getting to know one another; and guess what, they love it. However, as the relationship gets deeper and both parties become exclusive for one another, they start to have the urge to keep one another for themselves and only themselves; therefore, they place their lover in their “love cage”… and as soon as this starts to happen, they are officially in the possessiveness cycle!
Possessiveness is feeling the need to keep our partner to ourselves because they belong to us and only us; and if anything threatens that and it is no longer the case, we feel jealous; how wouldn’t we when they are supposed to be our “other half”?
Gentleman, when you felt insecure about her remaining in her job and asked her to quit for no apparent reason, you were being possessive. The same applies to you my lady when you went to check his car in his garage to make sure he wasn’t lying to you when he said he did not feel like going out tonight.
Depending on your partners’ lifestyle, they might need to apply some changes in order to fit into their new status as someone who is in a relationship, engaged or married. If he used to date a different girl every week then it is your right that he stops… he now belongs to you! It is also your right that you ask her to end her close friendship with her ex-boyfriend because it does not feel right.
However, we sometimes ask for too much. We not only place our lovers in a “love cage” but we tend to close all windows and doors that it becomes hard for them to breathe; especially in our culture where lots of expectations are placed upon men and women who are committed; so that a man is not masculine enough if his wife has lots of male friends; unless they are also friends with the husband. How about if they do not get along? In this case, the woman has to give up her friends. In some cases, men agree to do the same.
One of the most important factors to us; the one thing that makes our relationship complete is letting every single person know that we are committed. We give that too much attention and concern, so that even those who do not know both parties have to know that the one they know is in a relationship.
You should know what I mean when you see a woman fighting with her husband or fiancé over him having to wear the “ring” instead of using it as a pendant or not wanting to wear it at all because he believes that “love is in the heart”. Another recently popular scene is having lovers fight over their Facebook status… “Single” means they still want to be in the market and on the other hand “In a relationship” ensures both parties’ security and lack of any evil intentions.
Both possessiveness and jealousy are acceptable and not necessarily harmful provided they remain within limits. Mild jealousy could be even healthy because it acts as a reminder of love and reassures your other half that you love them and are keen on keeping him or her. However, this is not always the case… both possessiveness and jealousy could just get out of control and could easily threaten and even destroy relationships.
The core reason why one becomes too possessive is “insecurity”. If they do not have enough confidence in themselves, they would definitely have no confidence in their partner not going away for one reason or another.
What is interesting about us is that we do not only feel possessive of those who belong to us, we also have the same feeling towards those who used to belong to us and do not anymore. How many times, for instance, has the news of an ex getting into a relationship, getting engaged or married drove you or any of your friends mad? Not to mention seeing them together.
Going back to insecure “present” lovers, I once had a friend who was struggling with her weight for years and all her friends have been extremely supportive. She got into a relationship with that man who was completely against her losing weight. He used to take her out to restaurants and cafes all the time and objected to her visiting her nutritionist or going to work out. Shockingly enough, he felt threatened that if she loses weight, other men would be attracted to her and she might leave him for someone else.
I believe the way it should go is as follows; if you are having suspicions on your partner leaving you or cheating on you then confront them and get it over with… other than that, trust me it is not necessary to do the following:
- Ask him/her to end all their friendships because you believe they are a bad influence… one day you would get bored of how lonely they are and regret how much of a burden you have made your partner become.
- Continuously check your partners’ phone and Facebook account because you could find something fishy… your insecurity will eventually be a major turn off to your partner.
- Pick a fight with your man when he tells you he has soccer plans with the guys at night… give him space, he will appreciate it.
- Ask your girl to stop talking to all the guys she knows, even if she meets them by chance… you are being immature; remember, she chose to be with you over anyone else.
- Call your partner several times while they are at work and give them a hard time when they do not pick up… human beings hate nagging!
- Insist on the daily long phone calls although it’s clear your partner shows no interest in doing that… use an alternative means to bond; something you would both enjoy.
- Check your partners’ car under their house to make sure they were not lying to you… If you have proof they’re lying, break up and end it. If not, then you’re just being immature.
- Stick to your partner all night long in weddings and parties so he would not mingle with others… too much of something is bad enough!
Please reconsider if you insist on shutting your lover’s cage. Make sure you give them room to breathe or they would fly away. And in that case, they would have all the right.