If I were a boy I’d probably be gay! Just kidding…

I always wondered what it would be like to be a guy in this country, without the street filth and without worrying about how I look or what people would say about me. What are guys thinking about us? We are very weird creatures among ourselves, imagine what we look like in front of the male species?


I decided to step out of my pumps and walk in the shoes of a “macho”! I’ve decided to take it full-fledged and actually try to “experience” living with a male brain for a few days. From here on I’m a MALE writing up this piece:


“Being a Middle Eastern single male, I look around me at one of the most beautiful creations of this world; The Female! The female is such an irreplaceable unique creature that really deserves the respect, appreciation, admiration and gratitude. However under that startling swathe lays an uncontrollable monster that is formed from God knows where. After dealing with so many of those I became aware that there are so many types and shapes of those monsters. Just like “Mutants” from the movie X-men; some have the power of creating a storm around them when they need to, some have the power of releasing claws out of their fists and healing themselves very quickly some have the power of sucking out all the positive energy from anyone they touch and therefore they die, and others have the power of releasing fire or ice, and it goes on. I really tried to boggle them down to just 5 “types” of mutants, I mean LADIES that are really very distinctive:

“She also still thinks that pink is a “Feminine Statement” and picks her friends by make of car and amount of real jewelry.”

The “Branded Posh Pinky High Maintenance” Girl:

That’s the girl who is “Burberry” today and “LV” tomorrow starting with the bag and scarf, through to the belt and shirt and down to the shoes. She also still thinks that pink is a “Feminine Statement” and picks her friends by make of car and amount of real jewelry. This type is very clear about her intentions usually; she asks questions like “How much do you make?” and makes comments like “My cousin got a 4 carat wedding ring, and I MUST get a better one”. I think if the “M” word (Marriage) is mentioned or anything related, I think I will be walking off pretty soon. If she senses that you’re a bit far from her expectations, she’ll be out the door immediately. Those type of girls are good to date by the way… they always look good which is great for a guy like me, and at least she is straight forward about her “intentions”. If she is marrying me for my money then that’s a great arrangement. As long as my wallet is full, she has nothing to complain about like me being out all the time, drinking, cheating, whatever! A deal is a deal!

“This girl is not exactly a tomboy mind you… but she’s usually some kind of a wacko artist who would be wearing saggy jeans ALL the time; a blue T with cigarette holes and dangling thread, a multi-colored scarf around her neck,”

The “Love me love my hair” Girl:

This girl is totally different from the above one; actually they despise each other when you bring them in the same zone. This girl is not exactly a tomboy mind you… but she’s usually some kind of a wacko artist who would be wearing saggy jeans ALL the time; a blue T with cigarette holes and dangling thread, a multi-colored scarf around her neck, worn out shoes with untied laces, and has bushes of hair up with a pen and has her face and neck surrounded with frizz! She usually doesn’t own an item of make-up or accessories/jewelry and finds her body hair part of human nature that needs to stay untouchable. She usually never hunts down men and gets attracted to those men who “appreciate” nature, bohemia and body hair! For me, this kind of girl is eek eek eek!!! I would only date her if she has connections with car mechanics and buys me original PlayStation games… actually…not even that! Eeek!


The “Drama Queen”:

We all know this one! She’s the one who calls her mom 25 times a day to check up on her dog and if her mom even dared not to pick up after the second ring then the dog chocked himself to death and her mom tripped off the stairs and opened her forehead while trying to save the poor doggy and her brother got so shocked that he got a heart attack and dropped to his feet. She’s the one who would call you at work yelling “your son is dying… come home quickly”, and poor you would rush home from work and find your son playing peacefully in his play room and just had a little cough when she called. You can imagine what she’s like during her PMS every month, or when she’s pregnant or had a bad day at work! She’s also the one who magnifies almost EVERYTHING; if I forgot her birthday she would yell and cry and leave me and go, and will not pick up the phone for a week… she will also tell all her friends how much of a thoughtless bastard I am. That kinda gal is not the one for me for sure… I’d probably strangle her after the third argument!

“She’s a blend of an attention seeker, a troublemaker, mouth filler and a devil!”

The “Sh*t Stirrer” – (Arashana):

Hmmm… where do I start? Well this young lady… or actually this woman is the worst for me! She’s a blend of an attention seeker, a troublemaker, mouth filler and a devil! Can you imagine what she could be like? She would be walking around with her man and suddenly tell him “That guy is winking at me and checking me out”, that’s her strategy to FORCE jealousy over her and take action. She’s also the one who always manages to find a slot to create an issue over anything; like when she’s at her fiancé’s house she’d make comments to her fiancé about how his mom looked at her trying to show how she doesn’t like her outfit and how his sister made a comment on her hair trying to make a point that her hair is nicer, and how he didn’t pull out the chair for her at the dining table because he’s too scared to show his family that he treats her well. She also usually takes the bad meaning of everything that happens or said in front of her just to make it “an issue”. She usually never says or does anything without a hidden agenda she tries to “grab” information out of a conversation as “material” to use for her next problem.


The “Double Standard” Girl:

Wow… that’s my “favorite” one to talk to. Would never marry them, but they’re very interesting to watch. She’s the one you would bump into EVERY time you go to Tamarai, and every time you do so she tells you she hasn’t gone out for soooooo long and was so bored and her friends dragged her to come. When you talk to her she will start talking about how she hates going out and how much she disapproves of booze, smoke and girls who do that. Of course she’s the “untouched angel” and you’re always the “first one she does that with”… you know what I mean! On the contrary, that same girl is out every night, with a different guy every night, drunk and high, and has probably slept with your best friend. She knows that she can’t be open about her “real” lifestyle because that way she won’t be accepted and she won’t find a husband. She just decides to live a double life!!

No offense ladies; but that is the truth that I’ve personally seen and experienced!

I’ve also listed some female “statements” that really make a guy go “Wooooo’ ohhhhh!!” Ready? Here we go:

“I’m not going to the wedding because I don’t have shoes to go with the dress I’m planning to wear!” – So you decided to miss out on the whole wedding?!

“We can do everything… but not that!” – You have no problem doing everything about making out, but have serious strong standards about “going all the way”! Hmmm…

“I hate my boss, my job and the working hours… but I love my career” – What exactly DO you like about your career?!

“… but it looks good on me!” – OK, remind me again why you’re taking my opinion?

“Can I buy another pair of shoes?” – Like if I said no you wouldn’t!

“I don’t love him, but he has a beemer” or “I don’t love him but he’s available” – So I’m guessing when you’re lonely and need a partner, you’ll just go to the garage and hug his beemer!!

“We can travel together, but I can’t stay out late when we’re in Cairo” – Yeah.. because when we travel; the Cairo monsters won’t find us there!

“Our signs don’t work together” – Oh my God… how are we even talking right now?!

“I do kick-boxing so I can kick your a**” – OK, I’m so scared now and worried about my precious a**!

Tells her friends “I’m going to the bathroom, come along” – The restaurant won’t take 10 people on 1 table and the food is crap but the bathroom is great; smells good, spacious and can take at least 5 females easily!

“Honey…look what I bought you; the cutest Teddy Bear” – Do I look like a 12 year old girl to you?!!

“How can you not know what a “Coiffeuse” is?” – Yeah I don’t but do you know the difference between a “Gawahergy” and a “Sayegh”? I bet you don’t!

We are DEFINITELY different creatures from different worlds! Woooo’ooooohhhh!!

Anyways, stepping back into my pumps, I’ve always thought of some jobs that I would love to try as a guy. I decided to dress up as a guy doing those 3 jobs and share my experience:

A Bouncer (Thoughts: If I let her in… will she let me in her pants?)

You know those huge puffed up guys with a gelled back ponytail and a tight cotton top under a tight blazer, with their pants up to half their belly? I always wondered what their day is like all morning and afternoon till their reach the bar or club! Do they have a day job apart from being a bouncer? Also, do they “use” their job as a way to get friendly with the ladies and be a jerk to the guys? I will do it one day!

A Casting Director: (Thoughts: “Hmmm… she has a nice rack and those facial expressions give me ideas”

Well THAT is an interesting one. Do you know “Hamzawi” from the Melody Ads? I actually love the guy and he did his role so well…and that’s why I wonder if I was a guy and my job requires picking and choosing between loads of different females and base my decisions on how pretty they are and how their bodies look. I can “legally” touch them, ask them to talk a certain way, turn around so I could see their behinds, I can freely look carefully at their body… that’s really interesting for a guy don’t you think? The thing is; this guy can ask the ladies to do WHATEVER so he would give them the CHANCE to get the job/role. He won’t let her “pass the test” unless she does “certain things” for him!! How abusive!


A Rock Star: (Thoughts: “I wanna couch out with my girl”)

Now that’s a job that I stole from my husband. He’s always wanted to be a rock star and I thought, “Yeah… that’s actually an interesting profession to take on”. I want to experience the anger and fun they have, traveling around the world and meeting all those intriguing people, being in the spotlight and having all those fanatical fans following me around the world. I also want to experience being loaded with everything and anything I ever wanted or desired. Nickleback was right I guess!


No Comments Yet

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.