MY CHILD COMES FIRST
With their aggressive moral superiority, this group of moms is convinced that their kids should ALWAYS come first. Their children are at the center of their universe. This type of mom, instead of concentrating her attention on her husband, now concentrates it on her babies. Her husband, once the center of her universe, now has to take second place as an all-consuming maternal desire overtakes.
Children become the only people that have the right to demand “pieces” of these mothers. After all, they brought them into this world. These moms feel that their husbands are adults who have choices and power. Where as their kids, in the grand scheme of things, have next to nothing. It is their job as a mom to ensure that the children’s needs are met first…Nothing or no one comes before that.
Husbands too, some come and some go. But your children are always your children. A good mother is one who loves her child more than anyone else in the world. They seem to believe they have made the right choice. There is absolute unanimity among these moms on this topic.
One mother sums it up in a few words, “I love my husband but I didn’t realize how absolutely and deeply a human could love until my son was born. My love for my child is so overwhelming that it brings me to tears sometimes. To those who say that their husbands come first…wait till you have kids, and then tell me you love your husband more! For now, my kids come first. There will be time in the future for me to have time to make my husband the priority.”
MY HUSBAND COMES FIRST
But not all women go passionately crazy over kids. Some mothers believe that the family is based on the relationship between the husband and wife. Why should that passion and level of caring change just because there are kids? These mothers do love their children – but their husbands are still top priority.
These moms believe that if they ignore their husbands, or relegate them to a much lower rank on their list of priorities repeatedly, then their marriage will suffer. They know how important it is for a child to have both parents together–for security and as role models. Focusing on their marriage first shows the children the importance of that marriage bond. They believe that by putting their marriage first they ARE, in a sense, putting their children first. After all, they can be great moms, and wives, but if they are only great moms, and poor wives, it won’t work.
Hala Ismail, who recently got a divorce, says: “Although my marriage failed for many (complicated) reasons, a piece of that demise had to do with our tacit agreement to prioritize the kids and their needs ahead of our own. And in our desire to give them everything they needed, we ended up taking away the very thing that I still believe would’ve been the best for them: A stable, two-parent home.”
Moms in this group agree with this statement wholeheartedly. Here’s how they see it. Your kids leave you when they are grown up as they should; this is the way it works. If you put them first in your life then when they are gone you have nothing left. Lots of divorces occur because of this syndrome. Your husband should be the main love of your life because he will be with you until you die.
But do we really have to think about it as prioritizing one over the other? I do not believe that we have to choose one part of our families over the other, the husband over the children for example. I believe that there is room for everyone. You can love both your husband and child deeply, but in different ways.
When the children are young and one is very busy, I do believe in a weekend getaway now and then if possible. It takes effort and it is worth it. The children are better off with parents who love each other and work together. Yes, sometimes there are daily tradeoffs, and your child has to come first. It’s hard to have a romantic evening, for example when the kids won’t sleep.
It’s important to understand that being a mom is only part of who you are, not all of it. Likewise, while being a wife is a major part of your life it should not be the only way that you define yourself. You can’t keep everything perfectly balanced all the time. There are always choices to be made, on a daily and sometimes moment-to-moment basis…you should simply do the best you can while keeping the entire family in mind.
As my older (and infinitely wiser!) sister says: “I love my husband because he’s the father of my children, my best friend and the one who’s seen me for better and worse. I love my child because she’s a part of me, she’s my greatest prayer, pride and joy. Hopefully I get to enjoy them and love them both deeply – although differently – for the rest of my life.”
