He used me as his Punching Bag

After 12 days of mar­iage, full of hitting nd swearing and being rude, I called his brother He told me the same old gar­bage of, “He’s young, he’ll change, be patient”. At first, I kept to my prin ciples, to swear or raise my hand to someone was a big deal. I was raised believing that men were respectable, but he wasn’t going to change.

In the street, he could hit or swear at me, and once he wound­ ed me in the face for no reason. You start this, you beat me,  and it ends on your terms. He said, “I only took you because you’re bro­ ken goods”, meaning that I was previously married and divorced.

In the street, he could hit or swear at me, and once he wounded me. Beatings and insults. I pray and he stops me, I read the Quran and he’ll pull it away from me. I’ll talk to him and we’ll agree on some­ thing only to have him forget all about it. Then I realized he did drugs, I could smell cigarettes on his breath. I hate cigarettes, I hate them and they disgust me. And when I asked him, he’d say, “Oh I met up with one of my friends and kissed him” So you kissed him on the mouth?!

He would lie, not even able to look me in the eyes and tell me he smoked. I felt like he wasn’t a man because he couldn’t face me, I was nine months pregnant, something I’ll never forget. We were at his mother’s, having a fight, and his nephew was there trying to keep him away from me. He was like a bull seeing red, no one could calm him down, and I had no idea what I’d done for him to act like this.

“Why are you doing this, what are you compensating for”

I gave birth and got my strength back, so whenever he swore I swore, he hit I hit

I would fight back when he threw me on the bed, he’d hit me so I would kick him and things stayed like this. And when he tries to tell me something I’d talk back more, he’d say, “Your father is this and that.” So I’d say, “Your father, and mother, and the entire family are so and so”

I despised myself when I acted like this, then and now.

I was exhausted. I knew his fam­ily had raised him wrong, with beatings and harsh words. They all used to beat him, his house was full of abuse so he decided to abuse me. He would tell me I was a slave here. He’d say I was basi­cally a toilet to him.

I wish I could take what’s right­ fully mine from him and I don’t know how to there are so many negative feelings inside me that I don’t know how to get rid of. If more women stood up to their abusive husbands, we would still be dealing with men like this.

For me to have the right to di­vorce my husband is one of the this, big boy, it’ll be written on our papers that I divorced you and that it’ll be a judge that’ll di­vorce me and not no. I don’t care what people will think.

Till now he’s still my husband and wants us to get back together. I have been so patient and given him so many chances to fix things with me but he hasn’t changed and I know inside me that he’ll never change.

I’m still confused about whether I should go back to him or not. I’m scared of all that I’m hearing, I’m scared I won’t have an apart ­ment, I’m scared my son will be torn between me and his father. My son is a boy and he needs a fa­ther, he’s not a girl who’ll be okay with just me. I’m scared of how society will see me.

I was married before this and divorced and we live in a society that always sees a man as in the right, even if I complain all day no one will take my word over his. But he hit me when I was 9 months pregnant and his nephew had to protect me. He would hit me in the face…Why should I go back to him?!

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