Divorce is one of the hardest processes that a family can go through. This decision is taken by two adults who understand that it’s the best option for this given situation. However, our children don’t understand that. What children need the most at this time is emotional balance, which is hard after divorce because we ourselves take time to balance. However, we at least want to be aware of some mistakes that we might make, and slowly try to avoid them. With time, balance will come into your life and will be spontaneously projected on them. But before we start, I want you to switch your mind and see it from your child perspective.
When you talk negatively about your ex-partner, what comes to your children’s mind is “you are talking badly about my mom/dad
Negatively Speaking About the Ex
This is one of the hardest things. Sometimes you want to tell them stories so they would understand what you are going through, or maybe to bring them closer to you. When you talk negatively about your ex-partner, what comes to your children’s mind is “you are talking badly about my mom/dad”. When you keep criticizing your ex-partner in front of your children, they project it on their own actions. Ex: “I like to go out with my friends, does that mean that I’m irresponsible like my dad?”. “I cry when I’m sad, does that mean that I’m drama queen like my mom?”. Over time, they start labeling themselves or reversing their action so “they don’t be like mom or dad”.
Don’t involve your kid in such battles. The dad always making a point that he “paid” the expenses, as if he is giving the money to strangers. And the mom saying that it is not enough, or maybe the dad is not spending money. Don’t keep bringing that up. Share with them your financial capabilities and let them make choices with the little money available. When they grow up, they will understand what you went through.
Lack of Communication
All mothers reach this point where they lose it and start screaming. You are not the only one on the planet. Make sure to communicate with your kids your feelings so they don’t pair it with the divorce situation. Tell them when is the best time to talk to you. ex: “ask me what you want after I come from work and had rest, not on the phone or when I’m tired”.
Your children love both of you differently. Putting them in a situation whereby they have to choose makes them feel like they will betray one of you
Making them Choose Between You and Your Ex
Your children love both of you differently. Putting them in a situation whereby they have to choose makes them feel like they will betray one of you! Can you feel how this stresses a child psychologically?
Trying to Change Them
Some of us are traumatized by some actions of the ex-partner, so when we see our kids doing the same action, it drives us crazy! Remember, genetics have a big role, so don’t try to change them, you can add qualities to these actions ex: if your child is adventurous like his dad, don’t stop them, but teach them to be responsible.
Making them Spy and Lie
Sometimes you want to know what’s going on with your ex-partner. Don’t expose your kids to things that will make them lie or spy! Don’t brig up liars and betrayers.
Expressing on Social Media
Be careful that your children will reflect everything you post on Social Media on their lives. When you post negative things about men, relationships, marriages…etc. You are giving them indirect negative lessons of life.
When you permit things that your ex-partner prohibited to win them on your side, you are bringing up spoiled, selfish and manipulative adults!
Permitting Things to Win the Kids
Stop trying to be the favorite parent. When you permit things that your ex-partner prohibited to win them on your side, you are bringing up spoiled, selfish and manipulative adults!
No One is Guilty is this Story
Just like you feel guilty, young kids feel that it’s their fault as well. It is nobody’s fault; you need to understand that you did your best and make your children understand that too. Different things happen to different families. Some get sick, other bankrupt, some might lose one of their parents and some might get divorced!
Neglecting your Mental and Physical Health
Don’t forget to steal some hours a week to do something that you love. After divorce, you need to love yourself again and understand the new you. Pick a hobby, skin routine, sport, or anything you always wanted to do.
Worked in management, job training and currently doing MA in business psychology. A scuba diver and traveler for thrill experiences, she decided to quit her full-time job and chase her passion of helping people and the environment by giving awareness sessions and volunteering abroad. She wants to reach and teach her son Taqei by blogging and writing.