Marriage is a dynamic entity of changing variables. Having children, having difficulty to conceive, kids growing up and moving out, caring for an aging parent, the passing of a family member, financial issues, problems at work, illness, different life phases and sexual issues are all but examples of the variables that affect marriages. Usually, we can analyze most of these problems and pinpoint a culprit for our issues with effective communication either alone or with a specialist. But even in this time and age where we are bombarded on social media, tv and the internet with sex. It’s as hard as ever for couples to discuss their personal sexual scripts, thoughts and desires.
What is a sexual script?
A personal routine of words, initiation of touch, reactions, and positions that a couple develops over time in their way of having sex. It can be a different experience every time, but partners often know by an array of actions when their partner is initiating sex and how it will proceed. It is how women throughout history have known when to start faking a migraine when not in the mood (faking a condition is often easier than saying no).
To put it shortly, even when it comes to sex the essence of most issues are lack of communication and being able to find middle grounds. Which is important because issues in sexual intimacy within a relationship usually put a magnifying glass on everything else increasing a disconnection with your partner.
So here is a list of common sexual issues in a relationship and tips on how to deal with them!
Lack of Desire
Your partner not desiring you can be a very painful experience. It can shatter self confidence and make you suspect that he or she is cheating. Know that everyone reacts different to different stress factors. Ask yourself, is my partner currently going through something? Struggles at work, weight gain, menopause, exhaustion due to responsibility towards children or a sick family member?
Keep these factors into account. If you think you might have found a co-relational factor, try to alleviate some of these stress factors from your partner or discuss what you can do to help increase desire.
Fights on How Often You Should Have Sex
People are very different in their needs and like anything else, sex reflects how different we are. Sometimes, one partner wants sex daily the other could want it weekly or maybe even less. Don’t hesitate to openly discuss these differences and come to middle grounds with your partner. For example, you can agree that you aim for twice a week or whichever frequency you are both ok with. There is no shame in telling your partner you need more sex or you currently can’t do more than once a week for example.
The Need for Longer Foreplay
This is usually a problem the female spouse faces because, unlike men that can have an erection just by a thought or visual stimulation, women need more stimulation usually by what they consider romantic. Music, stroking her arms, legs, hair, kissing, candlelight, oral genital stimulation or using a sex toy. They just need more than penetration. Discuss this openly with your partner. You should both enjoy your sexual intimacy together and do an effort to maximize the pleasure for both. I mentioned that this is usually a problem of the female partner however I put emphasis on USUALLY! It can be a male issue too.
Sexual Preferences Your Partner Doesn’t Want to Engage in
This can include anything from watching porn, using sex toys or positions. It is important to word your needs and listen to your partners’ objections. Sometimes, it’s easy to meet each other half way.
The Need for Changing the Sexual Script
When you have been together for a while, the “excitement” and newness wears off. You know exactly what is coming! Spice things up by investigating new things you can do on the internet. Do something unexpected and unlike you!
There is an amount of minutes set in medicine for the diagnosis of premature or early ejaculation in sexology however all that counts is ejaculating when intercourse has not been satisfactory for one or both partners. Investigate how you can prolong an erection, seek medical help or find ways to still please your partner after ejaculation. Ejaculation does not have to mean the end of the sexual experience!
Inability to Orgasm
Not being able to orgasm or feeling that the orgasm is not as strong as it should be is very frustrating for both partners! Sometimes your subconscious works against you “I don’t want to make ugly faces when I orgasm” Search deep and think out loud sometimes the answer is as simple as letting go of thoughts or turning off the lights so maybe weird orgasm faces aren’t seen.
Communicating, educating yourself and some soul-searching can go a long way to decrease or solve sexual issues between you and your partner so you can both have satisfactory sex! If you and your partner find it difficult to discuss sex or you can’t figure out where the problems originate or how to systematically fix them, there is no shame in seeking the advice of a professional sexual health therapist. Do yourself and your partner that favor because if you connect on this front more often than not dealing with other problematic aspects of your relationship gets easier too!