This is a question that anyone who answers with “yes” is probably living a miserable life without knowing it. It took me years to understand that there is nothing wrong if you have problems in your life. The problem lies if you make your life stop when you face a problem and not challenge it to move on. One time a man said that he and his wife never had major problems. Apparently they were just hiding the things that bothered them from each other thinking that if they faced it then they would live a miserable life and might end by separation.
When each partner suppresses, things will compile and would burst at some trivial action not noticing that the trivial action was the straw that broke their backs. I think men and women aught to understand the composition of their bodies, minds and characters before they decide that need to go into arguments. They must believe that any conflict they overcome is a credit to their relation.
Women are a combination of hormones which play a major role in their emotions. They fluctuate up and down just like thermometers do when you have a fever. Since women are highly emotional, they spend more time in thinking about certain matters and maybe even thinking about two or three issues at a time. A woman may very well remember what her husband was wearing on the first date they met, whereas the man might not remember the date when they actually met. Women are more meticulous. On the other hand men are different and focus on physical and mental efforts. A man would be satisfied with a nice meal when the woman would expect that the dinner would be so romantic, it’s not the food but the ambiance. Most men are rather one track minded, they focus on one thing and work on it and the woman might think that he ignored the other subject she mentioned to me earlier. Typically, men would think that their role is to work, and provide for the family. But a woman can work besides her domestic chores and do the same type of job as the man.
The bottom line is no matter what happens, we can continue and learn. If we want to overcome situations we can. You will never live without problems, but learn how to face them. Always put yourself in your partners shoe if you want to solve your problem and believe that there is always a good side that you can take from any conflict.
Usually the next question is “what do I do to overcome the problems we have?” There are some tips that helped me peacefully pass problems encountered:
First, you must be very calm when you decide that you will sit and discuss a problem. Don’t sleep on your anger and carry the frustration to the next day. It will just continue and you’ll start the following day with a negative attitude. You can just walk out of the discussion by saying: “I don’t want to say anything unwise since I am angry but would rather talk when we calm down”. Your partner will appreciate it very much that you are concerned about not making the discussion fail. Take some time and do something else before you refocus on the problem.
Second, if you decide to vent to someone or a friend, make sure that that person is someone who is wise and wouldn’t just take your side automatically in order not to upset you. Taking your side and talking negatively about your partner will just frustrate you more and it would not help to solve the issue. A real friend would really care about your home and your well being and would therefore give you correct advice or just simply listen to you venting.
Third, try to avoid involving your parents as they tend to take sides with their children even if they are wrong.
Fourth, you must not involve your kids as this will require that one of you will be correct and the other be wrong in front of the kids. The person who is wrong will lose credibility from the kid’s side.
Fifth, accept that neither of you are wrong but you have different views and that you need to walk half ways to solve them.
Sixth, if you can do the discussion outside home, at a café or a restaurant. This way a loud tone will be avoided and the outing will have a positive effect on the conversation.
Seventh, listen to your partner first and have him say all that he wants then answer back. When you talk avoid talking about yourself only but talk about “us”.
You yourself can add to those tips by looking into other techniques that you have used and worked out yourself. Remember that it is all in your hands. You can wake up with a different attitude if you want, and you can ruin your day too if you need to. If you want to change a habit, focus on changing it and after two three times of avoiding the habit, you will get into the habit of not doing it. It’s funny but apparently it works like that.
My challenge was not to do the impossible – but to learn to live with the possible!
