In part one we talked about how hard the detachment is and how tough the decision making process will feel. We also talked about the first step of starting over, remember? Getting rid of that little tiny voice inside your heart and mind telling you that you are the loser in this equation…
Step two
Surround yourself with the loved ones in your life, the positive ones. Surround yourself with those who share with you the same interests, those who believe in you and your right to a happier life. Surround yourself with those who are as courageous as you are and not those who prefer to take the easier ways in life. Weaker women tend to push you to act just like them so that they are not alone in their misery they do that to feel good about themselves. Weaker women will tell you: “You are better off with the man you have regardless of how unhappy you are than being alone or meeting someone worst than he is”. You will hear words like “do you really like your life like that without a man to protect you?” and who will protect you from him? From his hurting words, and his bad attitude and even worst, from his beating, if you are unlucky enough to have one of those men who feel strong by battering women. They will tell you, you will be excluded from society and social life as a married woman and other women will not accept you in their life anymore and they might even do it. You will call them for dinner and they will pretend to be busy with the kids or sick in bed or just not in the mood for an outing. Women like these need to be out of your life, specially now, when you are most fragile and susceptible to get hurt and be affected by any negative comment.
I was lucky and blessed to be surrounded by normal women, women who are happily married and not threatened by a divorcee around them. I was lucky to have my best girl friend ever. She was always there for me, the most beautiful thing about this woman is that she never told me to get divorced, she never even commented about my life in a bad way. She was always there to listen and tell me that I am good and I deserve the best. She always told me how good I am and how strong of a woman I am. She always supported me when I was weak. Every time I asked her if she sees me as an ugly loser, she would take me in her arms and tell me how wonderful I am in her eyes and how successful she sees me, she always reminded me of how good my kids are and that it takes a great woman to raise kids like mine on my own. Things I started doubting back then but hey, they kept me going, they made me feel good about myself, the one his actions were trying to destroy. Comments like “why don’t you take care of the kids better than that” or “ what have you done with your hair?? I am not really sure it suits you!!” Basically he wanted to say I was hideous!! Maybe I was in his eyes…
Step three
Sleeping all day and all night is the best way to make time pass and make bad feelings and the fear of tomorrow go away. You would think it is a cure for all your problems and all the negative feelings you are experiencing right now.
But guess what?? Bad feelings sleep with you and once you wake up, they will too. Bad feelings will haunt you for a long time,no matter how many hours you sleep to make them go away, they won’t. They will follow you like your shadow until you turn around and punch them real hard in the face.Knock them down, deal with your bad feelings now and not later, cry, scream, and talk to some friends about it. Don’t feel shy about talking to your friends when you are feeling down, that is what friends are for and if they are good friends they will understand. Don’t overdo it though; you don’t want to drive people away from you.
If talking to your friends and family is not doing the job, seek professional help, seeing a psychologist is not as bad as you think it is. And no, people will not say you are going mad, trust me on that one, once you visit the shrink’s office, you will realize that so many people are in need of help just like you. I remember the first time I visited my psychiatrist I was so ashamed to even say where I am going to my own mother. Thanks to her she is the one who told me to seek one when she saw my sufferings, I even thought of giving the girl at the reception a false name!! Yes, to that extent I was ashamed but guess what? More and more people seek professional help and there is nothing wrong with that either. Just know when things are out of hands and you are unable to deal with your feelings the way others do and admit to yourself that you do need help.
The first time you will not know what to say or what not to say; you will even try to make it look like you are here just for fun, you will not know where to start. It is okay; he or she will help you through it, thatis their job. One thing to remember, chemistry, you may not like your shrink the minute you see him or her. Seek another one and don’t worry about going to the best in the market, just go to the one you feel at ease with. Unless you feel comfortable about your shrink, then there is no point talking to him. You are there to make tougher times easier.
Step Four
How busy are your days? Are you working? Do you have kids that keep you occupied? Or your day is mostly empty?
Get busy, busy, and busy. Occupying your day with something useful to do in life is the best cure of those nagging voices and questions that will keep jumping into your face.
The first thing I did was go back to my club. I had an agreement with my kids’ squash trainer. Twice a week I would go train with him and get my most of my frustration out, to an extent he would know if I had a rough day from the way I’s hit that ball. For a good while that kept me sane, fresh and took half the energy I used to waste on being depressed.
I got a dog, the most beautiful creature God ever created. My female dog made me feel like someone is counting on me and appreciating what I do for her in every way possible. Believe it or not, I used to talk to my dog while walking her at night, I used to tell her about my problems and the tough times I am going through, about how much I appreciate her appreciation. But it helped my broken soul back then.
I got myself even busier. With the help of another great friend, I got myself enrolled for a Master’s program. It took me two years and half and it changed my life. You will think I was a nut case, kids, work, house and masters program!
Yes, get busy, work all the time, don’t give yourself that stinky chance to think of how your life ended. Do things that make you realize that your life is just about to start not ending.
IF studies or sports are not your thing, that is fine, I understand. Do something that suits your interests but you have to be committed to doing something useful for you and you alone.
Don’t go start a charity volunteer work that you will leave the next morning feeling that you did nothing for you. And I don’t mean to encourage you to forget about society but if you find yourself in charity work, get yourself involved in something that you have a commitment and you can’t skip it, something that shows an end result for you to be proud of. It always helps to do something that shows results and makes a difference in your life.