We all seek a suitable partner, and aim to get involved in a relationship to make ourselves feel better, and to share a great time with them. Eventually, we’re all after happiness. However, sometimes we’re caught up in a loop of insane encounters, like we’re standing on the verge of losing ourselves because of the other. The spark ignites, but it’s time and effort that keeps it lit. It can be a difficult choice; it can be that you think you can invest in making them fit your frame. Don’t force it. If you don’t see the signs below, you’re wasting your life:
- Communicating Openly
Are you afraid to be judged for whatever you wish to share? Do you feel comfortable saying whatever goes in your mind? Are there certain topics that are off the table because “how would I look to them if I spit it out?”
Keeping an open channel of communication is key to having a transparent, respectable and honest relationship. Some find it easier communicating through writing emails or notes to each other, while others feel at ease discussing things verbally. Whatever means you choose, keep it going.
Does it sound negative? It does, but it’s actually not. Arguing is a clear signal of interest and care, because if you don’t give a damn you won’t sweat talking about it. Also, if you don’t argue about things you don’t approve of or dislike, it means you’re holding in a lot and it will only blow up at some point. Don’t implode and it won’t explode. Think about it, what’s the worst that could happen? If you’re right, they’ll learn and appreciate. If you’re wrong, you’ll apologize. You do apologize when you make mistakes, don’t you? Otherwise, I don’t want you reading my article because I already dislike you.
The thing is, you’re not in each other’s way. You’re walking the same way. See the difference? You’re not enemies, and it’s not about who proves the other wrong and who wins. It’s not a contest, and no one is wearing a boxing glove. It’s laying out the foundation for a solid construction.
- Keeping Your Business Private
We all have friends, even those who are alone in the world and tweet about having one and a half friends, like myself, have friends. We all want to talk to them and share stuff. It’s a treat to sit over a cup of coffee and gossip about your last fight, how your partner is in bed or how you wanted to buy that dress, but he wouldn’t like it because it shows a lot of skin. Admit it! It’s tempting. However, do you really want to air all your laundry for your neighbors to see? Do you want them to know you have a red lace thong (not to mention it’s a basic human right) or a white silk nightgown? Nope, suga’! Keep it to yourself.
What’s worse than venting about your problems is blowing them out of proportion when someone gives you the wrong advice, or when your partner knows it slipped your tongue while your lips should have been sealed. Don’t break their confidence in you over a girls’ night. Learn when to share, and how to share it. Let them believe they know everything, while they only know what you want them to know.
- Letting Go
If you’ve argued about it and you made peace, let it go already. Don’t keep bringing it back over and over to the table like a three-day-old plate of pasta your mother wants to feed you before it goes bad. You fight about it when it’s fresh, then it becomes old news. Dragging it back will only make things look stall and will make you look stubborn. Cut yourself and them some slack.
- Being Realistic
Your relationship with your partner is not a movie, and you’re not a movie star. You are, but you know what I mean. You’re not hired to act in your own relationship, and not everything has to be put in place like a jigsaw puzzle. Some things should, but don’t pressure yourself nor your partner to play a role that doesn’t fit either of you. Neither one of you is perfect. Work together to make it work.
- Keeping the Space
Yes, I’m married and yes I get bored of him sometimes, because I’m only human. He gets bored too. What am I, Netflix? I’m not to entertain him all the time and he can’t either –no matter what. To avoid that borderline boredom, we need to get some space from each other. We both need to understand, and agree, that this is a good thing, and it’s fine if we take a break. It doesn’t mean that I love him less, or that he doesn’t enjoy my company. It’s just that I need my alone time, and he does too.
I sometimes go to music concerts by myself, and I still dance and sing and have a blast. His work schedule keeps him away at times, and other times it’s not his favorite kind of music. What would I do? Sit around and curse the hour I married someone who doesn’t like all my playlist? Or cry about how miserable and lonely I am because he’s okay with me going to a musical without him? I am an individual and I have needs. He is too, and he does too. Before you guys became a couple, you were individuals. Let him do what he likes and show him that you are okay with it. Encourage him but also don’t make a fight about it when he comes home from a game night with the guys. You didn’t buy him from the market. He didn’t buy you either.
- Confiding in Each Other
I’m sure you all waited for this one, because hell yeah, trust, baby! If they are on social media, don’t stalk them because if they don’t want to be with you, they won’t. No one is forcing them, or you. Simple. Haunting them with phone calls and text messages is not a good idea either. It’s not an option at all. Why? Do you have a lot of time on your hands? I’d rather have you do something for yourself, or for him, that would make your lives better and happier than looking into his stuff, or chasing him around with whens and whos. If you have trust issues, don’t be in a relationship until you fix them, honey. Get a life. Seriously.
- Enjoying Your Time Together
Just like you enjoy your individuality when you’re away from each other, you should be able to enjoy your togetherness. Learn this lesson: they don’t complete you. They connect with you. Whether it’s a night out, a movie date, a sit-at-home and cuddle mood, it must be nice and you both should feel good.
- Being Friends
If you combine all the points above, you will become friends.
- Making Decisions Together
Since you both agreed to be in this together, you must do certain things together. This includes taking decisions. If you want to move out of the house, you should both discuss that. If you want to get pregnant, you should both be ready. If you want to quit your job, you should both talk it out.
The way you take a decision also matters. You choose the right time and the right place to discuss a big decision. This makes all the difference.
Mind you, this doesn’t mean that you’re waiting for a permission from him to do things. Nope. It means that he is not a stray cute dog you found in the street and decided to adopt. He is a person –a heart, a mind and a soul. If you want him to respect your will, you should respect his too. Remember, it’s a two-way thing.
- Getting Intimate
Have sex, people. Get laid! Now, don’t accuse me of causing a stir or tapping on taboos, no. If you’re married, then do it. If you’re in a relationship and both of you are overtly sexual, then do it. If you’re neither, then skip to the next point.
Sex bonds couples. It solidifies the relationship because it’s more than talking and sharing words. It’s sharing an emotional and a physical desire with the one. Don’t be deceived here by intimacy, because it’s not all sex. Intimacy can also mean sweet-talking and gift-giving. You cook for him and he cooks for you. I love it when my husband cooks his famous seared salmon, or when he does the dishes. It’s not all in bed, if you know what I mean.
- Making Each Other Better
If you love your partner, you want them to be better. If they love you, they want you to be better. It’s a formula. Encourage each other, and inspire one another. Get the best out of yourself, and he will get the best out of you too. Don’t focus on the negative, because you too are not perfect. Don’t be on a mission to fix them, because he was already born and raised by his mom. You ain’t his mama, to quote JLo.
You’re his partner; you are with him, beside him. You share time with him –a responsibility not a burden.
This, my lovies, is my recipe for a healthy relationship. Live happily.