“Don’t Send a Bathroom Selfie Along with your resume!” Dear Job Applicant

For the past ten years have I met people from all walks of life sitting in front of me for job interviews and I can safely say that it took a very obvious toll on my sanity. The below is a censored summary of all the HR hazards that led to my accumulated damage. Mind you that all the below is based on true happenings, the butt-naked truth, so help me God.

“Should you be the lazy brat that you are, at least write the job you are applying for in the subject line”

 

Dear Job Applicant,

• Please send a CV with a cover letter expressing who you are and why you want the job. Should you be the lazy brat that you are, at least write the job you are applying for in the subject line. I mean we are indeed a team of Superwomen, but we don’t have time to read your mind.

• Please don’t lie or “exaggerate” in your resume. You cannot make up jobs and positions in companies and when asked about the Editor-in-Chief, who is a friend, suddenly point out that you “might have gotten a little carried away” while writing your resume. You were applying for an editorial job, not for a fictional writing class in your freshman year.

• Please, for the love of God, don’t send a bathroom Selfie along with your resume. What the hell is wrong with you people?

• Please do not ask the person who calls to invite you for an interview any of the following questions:

1. “Do you have a branch in Heliopolis?” Sorry, we are not KFC.
2. “How much is the salary so we don’t waste time?” Seriously?
3. “Do you provide transportation?” Da 3ala assas in ehna shirket Vodafone el 3arika masalan?
4. “What was the job again I applied for?”
   

   “The type of job applicant, who accepts the scheduled interview and thinks he/she is too sexy to excuse himself/herself from the interview. There should be a special place in hell for people like you!”

• If you make it to the interviews, you must have done something right. Please come on time. Some people have schedules, duh. Finding the Maadi exit from the Autostrade cannot be part of the IQ test. You can use Google maps, ask a friend, take a cab, find out the exact address in advance or at least go down early. Pick up the phone and announce that you are running late.
• No shows. The type of job applicant, who accepts the scheduled interview and thinks he/she is too sexy to excuse himself/herself from the interview. There should be a special place in hell for people like you!
• Please dress for the occasion. It is neither a black tie event nor a hippie wedding in flip-flops. What do they teach you at school?
• Please be prepared about the company when you apply for a job. You’ve probably checked in, posted a “wish me luck” selfie or texted a friend, but never considered checking the company’s website while having that last cigarette under the building.
• Please tell your parents that the money they spent on your education is a long-term investment, as in LONG TERM, maybe rather a Sadaka Garya. It is not a “my son must get a 10k starting salary for the ROI on the college fund” kind of investment. Just to be clear on that. Also being spoiled silly by Daddy with an over the top allowance doesn’t mean your employer will match that. Please remember that there are market rates based on supply and demand. A fresh grad with no experience is not what the job market is doting on.
• Please when asked why you never interned or had a summer job or any other activity that could fill the four years of college, in which you just attended parties, PLEASE don’t reply with “Fakes mot ana kont batla3 Agami fel Seif kolo”. It is a turn off, trust me…
• Please don’t bring family members to the job interview. It’s weird when you enter the office with your father or sibling, who look around while you sit for the interview.
  

  “Please note that it is not okay at all to stalk your potential future employer online and brag in an interview about it by reciting a verbatim of my last Facebook status”

• Please if you are one of the guys who come into the room, place your cigarettes, shades, wallet and mobile on the interviewers desk, take a deep “habrasha” move and then sit down for the interview, go shoot yourself now. Twice, just to be safe.
• Please note that it is not okay at all to stalk your potential future employer online and brag in an interview about it by reciting a verbatim of my last Facebook status (note to self: check privacy settings). It is not considered researching the company; it’s creepy, very creepy.
• Please remember that when you apply for an editorial job you cannot give below answers:
  1. What publications do you read? I hate reading. I don’t like magazines as well.
  2. How do you keep up with the latest news if you don’t read the paper? Paper, who reads that? Don’t worry I am updated my friends send me a bbm with all what’s going on.

 

“Society will never be okay with what you choose and your parents will always love you”

Another tip is to look for a job you will grow in, a career in something that you love and are passionate about. Don’t waste your time filling society molds and making your parents happy. Society will never be okay with what you choose and your parents will always love you. So grow up and try to make a good impression on your next job interview.