10 Ways your Grandparents are Screwing you Over

Grandparents, the nicest of all Earth species, their sole purpose in life is to make sure we’re fed, fattened and spoiled rotten. Well, this is all a clever ploy to keep us placated, or at best apologize for the plethora of ways they have screwed up our lives beyond repair. Here’s 10 ways they have screwed us over, so that next time grandma offers you an extra helping of wara2 3enab you know what she’s saying sorry for.

 

Traffic

The Mother Lode of all problems in Egypt, and it all started because our grandparents were too proud to ride public transportation! Thus the inflation of cars with no alternative infrastructure happened leading to the infinite congestion we live through now.

“no one works on Facebook, right? I bet they’d be thrilled to know you’re an influencer.”

Career

Traditions in Egypt state that one becomes a doctor, a pharmacist, an engineer or a failure. When you dream of being an artist, or even work in Social Media, you’ll be looked at with disdain for not having a “real” job. Because no one works on Facebook, right? I bet they’d be thrilled to know you’re an influencer. As for joining the army or police, that only works if you’re a guy, because back then women only fought wars in the kitchen.

 

Education

If you’re reading this, you probably had a decent enough education, but the fact remains that we haven’t changed our curricula since our grandparents were in power. Wait, what? They’re still in power? Never mind, since our grandparents first got in power. Pluto is still a planet, but at least the earth is no longer flat, right? Not to mention sex education, and tech education are nowhere to be found.

“Grandma got married at the age of 15, making you a 21 year old spinster that missed the train to married-ville.”

Marriage

Grandma got married at the age of 15, making you a 21 year old spinster that missed the train to married-ville. Now you have to live a life of shame for being a highly successful 20 year old in a high powered career or with a startup or even with a masters or a PhD, but you’re not married so all your achievements mean nothing, and if you’re married where are your kids?

“God forbid you dye your hair a weird color, or wear torn jeans. Your sense of style is probably the reason “Mafeesh 3arees hayboselek””

Fashion

“Honey! Brush your hair, you’re always mankoosha”

Every decade comes with a sense of fashion and style that looks absolutely ridiculous to every other era, I mean the neon colored eighties and denim clad nineties look as ridiculous as the neo-Kaboria haircut and pompadour hairstyles mixed with large jackets and skinny jeans of Shabab el Famous of today.  Grandparents have evolved beyond style to this mode of dress known as forever classic. God forbid you dye your hair a weird color, or wear torn jeans. Your sense of style is probably the reason “Mafeesh 3arees hayboselek”

 

Chores

You’re a girl who can’t cook? “hatetala2y”, you are not helping with the laundry? “hatetala2y”

Let’s not forget that you aren’t married to begin with and yet “hatetala2y”. How dare you have independent thought, hopes and dreams, or simply not know how to cook? No man will ever look at you, because when a man tries to find a woman to marry he’ll be looking for a personal servant that only exists to feed, dress and clean after him and then rear him babies.

“A woman wants to be a surgeon? That’s impossible! How will they operate while on their periods? Everyone knows a woman turns into a werewolf on her period.”

Gender Roles

We were screwed over by this for both men and women, let’s tackle women first.  A woman wants to be a surgeon? That’s impossible! How will they operate while on their periods? Everyone knows a woman turns into a werewolf on her period. The same can be applied to all professions that need you to not be a werewolf, like Pilot, Petroleum engineer, President, Cab driver, Mechanic, Electrician etc… Now for guys it isn’t as severe but it is as important. Stay at home dad is a thing. Maybe the woman has a powerful enough career to support the family, while the father has a more creatively inclined career, like painter or writer, that leaves them at home most of the time. This man will be looked upon as a failure and less of a man, even though he’s doing his own work as well as raising the children. Which leads us to…

“This imaginary war of the sexes and having a Si El Sayed being served by his wife/slave is a heritage our grandparents left us that we don’t want anything to do with.”

Relationships

Our grandparents never saw a marriage as a collaboration, they saw it as a competition between the men and women. The fact is this isn’t how things go. This imaginary war of the sexes and having a Si El Sayed being served by his wife/slave is a heritage our grandparents left us that we don’t want anything to do with. This applies to dating as well, the possessive boyfriend that keeps tabs on you, or the over obedient girlfriend that wipes her entire personality and Facebook friends list for a guy are frankly relics that need to disappear.

 

Curfews

Here’s the thing, to our grandparents Electricity was a new thing, so it makes sense to them that 10pm is way too late to be out of the house. You should be asleep from 8pm anyway. And they taught this to our parents, who followed it blindly. Nowadays Cairo pretty much never sleeps, and yet they still think that when the clock strikes 10 all the streets turn dark and monsters roam the land, and no self-respecting girl would ever fight monsters, right?

“They screwed up and now you have to deal with it, but if you start shaking things up, you’re doing it wrong, because nothing is better than “esteqrar”, right?

Politics

Our grandparents lived through the Monarchy, the Military revolution of 52 and a bunch of wars after that. You wouldn’t blame them if they want some peace and quiet now. Never mind that they’ve been complacent about ruining the economy, the government and everything in between. They just want some peace of mind in their final days. They screwed up and now you have to deal with it, but if you start shaking things up, you’re doing it wrong, because nothing is better than “esteqrar”, right? They’ll probably never show you this but they have been revolutionaries once, and now they want some peace and quiet.  It isn’t our job to keep the peace and quiet, we need to finish what they started (or at least fix it).

 

 

 

 

Marwan Marwan Imam, amateur time traveler and professional jack of all trades. When not making films, drawing comics, doing comedy or playing music he tends to procrastinate by watching all the TV and movies known to man, also video games.

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