We see so many unrealistic scenes in movies; people jumping off a burning building at the last minute or skydiving with cars. The sex scenes are also guilty of the crime of being unrealistic. The logistics don’t add up, and the locations are plain wrong, plus the dialogue is one of the least realistic things about them. Who speaks all sexy and seductive? Seriously? We think this is only a product of the movies! Here are some of the most famous sex scenes and how they should have gone down.
Titanic alone raised the expectations for sex for our entire generation. We blame it for our shattered dreams. The steamed up car scene is the main culprit here. They do it, for the first time, in a car! And they enjoy it so much that Rose leaves her palm print on a steamy window. Saucy, right? Wrong! For one thing, we don’t know how two fully-grown adults would fit into such a small car yet have “steamy” sex. Now if someone were to realistically try this, their conversation would go a little more like this:
Rose: Wait, this isn’t working. Can I be on top? I’m squished in here.
Jack: Why don’t we open one of the doors, get some foot space?
Rose: We could have just done it on the couch when you were drawing me.
Jack: But… I like the car.
Rose: Is this some kind of fetish thing that I should know about? This is gross! We’re so hot and sweaty even the windows are all steamed up!
The generation that didn’t get to cry over Titanic, got to cry over The Notebook. It’s a sweet love story; if you’re a bird, I’m a bird, and all that jazz. Still, the sex scene after the passionate kiss in the rain is so much of an exaggeration it makes the ending seem plausible. This is how it should’ve gone down:
Noah: *teeth shattering against each other* are you okay?
Allie: No, I think I’m getting frostbite. Are my toes supposed to be that blue?
Noah: *tries to touch her* Maybe this will make you feel better…
Allie: Aaah! Your hands are freezing! I think we should go to the hospital; you look dizzy and I think it’s from hypothermia.
Noah: Good idea. Maybe they’ll check your toes as well. Your pinkie toe is starting to scare me it’s so blue…
Oh the timeless love story of a rich man and a prostitute. We can’t deny we’ve all fallen in love with Edward and Vivian. The clever, sarcastic prostitute and the timid, yet charming businessman were the perfect odd couple. As their relationship advanced, we got one of the most iconic sex scenes in the history of film, but why did it have to be on a piano?
*Random piano notes blaring in the dark room*
Edward: *hisses* you’ll wake everyone up! Try to keep off the keys and stop fidgeting.
Vivian: I don’t think I can. This piano is too small. And it’s starting to hurt my back.
Edward: We can try to put your robe under you, it might help with the p-
Vivian: Or we have a perfectly good suit we could use!
Edward: Sure, don’t ruin a hotel robe, but ruin a 6,000$ suit.
Vivian: You’re the one that wanted to do it on a piano!
Twilight – Breaking Dawn
We know what you’re thinking. Everything about Twilight is ridiculous. Dear Reader, you are correct, and that’s why we couldn’t miss out on the chance to point it out. The dynamics of Bella and Edward’s relationship are so messed up they make Vivian and Edward seem normal! And the sex was just as weird as you would have expected it to be. Turns out poor, fragile Bella can’t take the centuries-old vampire with super strength. Who would’ve thought!
Edward: Am I hurting you?
Edward: Do you want me to stop?
Bella: You think? Get off! I maybe a virgin, but I know sex shouldn’t leave me black and blue unless you have some kind of bonding fetish!
Speaking of bondage fetish, last but not least…
50 Shades of Grey
We don’t know where to start with 50 Shades of Grey. The number of cliché sex scenes is unbearable, but we’ll settle on the scene where Anastasia and Christian are discussing the dynamics of their “relationship”.
Anastasia: And what do I get out of all of this?
Anastasia: *starts chuckling then laughs uncontrollably*
Christian: Yes Anastasia, I’ll be all yours…
Anastasia: *hold up a finger to stop him and continues laughing* I’m sorry. This is hilarious. Christian, I have to go. *stumbles to the door, laughing still*