I am Fat, I’m Not Anorexic and I Do Eat

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On another note: I would rather die skinny than live to be fat and ugly

 But what is fat?

How many times have we seen a friend, a sister, a relative or someone we know, who is far too skinny, but you can’t point out where the issue is? Someone who looks just fine but skips dinner and has weird eating habits? Or the new obsession over workout where people seem to spend their entire day and focus on only one thing “being extremely perfect”? Doesn’t it sound a bit bizarre or inhumane?

I don’t think I would know at this stage. Or would I? I have read far too much, gone from one phase to the other, mastered hiding it so well by knowing far too much (as usual) that everyone around me seems to believe I’m fine.

I remember being 14, sort of muscular from all the tennis training and kind of what the fashion world for that matter would call “Fat”? I was in high school, dumped, and I remember my friends and mother’s clear advice “you got to lose weight”.

But I love food! So how do I start? Three meals a day, almost every day: breakfast, lunch and dinner. Within a month, it actually became: breakfast and lunch. A couple more weeks it’s: breakfast. The more I lost, the more I was told I looked perfect, so I just kept losing more weight, feeling a sense of self control that was so powerful and it became addictive, just one more kilo please. The vicious cycle becomes one of control; mind control that is. Food becomes your enemy and all of a sudden all you can think about is one thing: FOOD!

And then…

I remember days when the last time I would have eaten would be two weeks ago. I still avoid dresses when I can. It feels everyone else can look good in them except me. I don’t get the meaning behind compliments. Hell yeah, everyone says I’m pretty. But the minute anybody says anything about me “looking good” it automatically translates into me “looking fat”! Then my best friend taught me her trick: drink water, stick your finger in your throat, and get it out.

It’s amazing how much lettuce you can eat and keep below 100 calories, the soup you can make at 50-100 calories per serving. The meals you can make and show people you eat to calm them down. I’m a master at these meals. I’ve read everything there is to anorexia and bulimia. Hell, I even diagnosed friends with it and helped them all I can.

But how do I help myself?

“I’m not anorexic, I do eat”, I say.

Well, I am fat now. I am somewhat between 41-43 Kg. Yes, I wouldn’t know exactly, because I have a weight-scale phobia. I’m short and I haven’t got the slender skinny long legs, so a total distorted body image. Raise your hand if you feel the same (Yeah don’t we all?)

I look at myself in the mirror, find the fat, identify the spots where more pounds can be shed, tell myself that I’m not unhealthy, I’m still safe, there is no reason to stop yet. I take a puff of a cigarette someone handed me over, with the smoking habit on an empty stomach. It does feel good, that empty feeling.

Sink into the void, I know I’m wrong.

I know I’m reaching a point where it becomes dangerous, I remember the anemia, the bad immune-system, the never-ending line of illnesses from the last time I was here. I feel it closing in; I know the feeling in my bones.

I hope they raise awareness in this country to matters like this, where a simple distorted self image leads to a disease, in a society where only outer appearances matter and not real causes. I can name a list of both guys and girls with various types of eating disorders from mild to severe, from Obsessive-compulsive workouts to starvation, bingeing and purging.

You are not alone.

I feel fat in a swimsuit, I feel guys look at my body because of my fatty parts, I don’t feel self conscious when I jump in a pool, I still feel fat even when I wear a size 34. It is a never-ending vicious cycle.

All articles written on this particular topic, come from scientific analysis and clinics, providing causes and reasons to the disease, yet nobody took a step into the person’s mind to feel what they feel. Maybe only then do we realize it is not as stupid as you think it is.

I am FAT.

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