I’ve noticed a craze in the past 5-7 years that divorce, polygamy, cheating and separation have become so normal and seriously people have become OK with it. I wondered: Why?! I talked with a lot of married couples; old ones and new ones, those who married out of love and others that had arranged marriages, and I came up with a few conclusions from my own humble point of view:
The Classic Belly:
Men and women do anything when they’re single during the on-going fetch for a partner. They go to the gym, hairdressers, shopping, Amino, sun tan, tattoos, nail spas, botox, wonder-bras, perfume and anything else that comes to mind just to grab the other gender’s attention. Once that happens and they go through the whole dating/engagement/marriage process and they are under the same roof, someone just presses the “Stop” button. In some cases; they press the “Pause” button until they start getting bored of their partner and start a new hunt for new prey! We just stop dieting, stop working out, stop going to the hairdresser and nail spa, the belly starts to pump up and we end up being with a different person than the one we fell in love with or got attracted to, who has slowly turned into a lazy couch buffalo! Other people like to think of it as a comfort zone; “I feel so comfortable with my partner to the extent that I don’t feel the need to make an effort to make him or her stay with me”. People tend to take their self-care a few notches down after they are settled with someone but your partner has the right to see you as hot as they saw you when they first met you, don’t you think?
The latest clothes comments:
Men in this part of the world just love to make a big fuss on their woman’s clothes. Either the skirt is too short, or there’s too much cleavage, or pants are too tight, or I can see your back when you sit or bend over, etc. While the poor women tries to avoid all of the above and made sure everything was long and wide enough; here are the latest trends on the catwalk of men comments on clothes: “The color is too attractive”, “The design of the top makes you look so much older which makes you more interesting for other men”, “Those shoes make you look too sexy, don’t wear them!”, Seriously? Are people on the streets going to leave everything around and look at how sexy my shoes make me look? Do you think the above is weird? Check this out: I have a friend who’s husband was very cool with anything that she wears when they were engaged and when they got married. Soon she got pregnant and wore all those cute maternity clothes and successfully delivered her baby girl. The first time she went out after her delivery is when she got the shock of her life; her husband suddenly decided that her clothes were too provoking; she is no longer allowed sleeveless, tight pants, short skirts and cleavage, what changed? How does having a baby change your mind about what I’m allowed to wear? When I talked to the guy himself, he had a point of view; whether I agree or disagree to it, it’s one to respect: He thinks that the way people view a married woman and especially a mom is very different than they way they view a single woman, when you’re a mom you’re expected to look and act and dress a certain way that does not provoke other people. He also told me that she is allowed to wear what she likes with certain people and at certain places, which makes sense. Here is another point that came to my mind: Being a mom to young babies and kids; you do a lot of moving, feeding, playing, walking, running, etc; you need to be wearing things that allow you to do so without giving everyone a lingerie show!
Now this issue is one of the most common one amongst couples at all levels. As middle easterns we are not very educated when it comes to sex. I don’t know if we find it too embarrassing or too taboo-ish, or do we think we know it all! Women specifically are chit chatters and just love to talk about this with their friends. The truth is ladies; that each person or couple have their own experience in everything in life and especially in this specific area; first it is un-cool to uncover your sexual experience with your friends because this is pure invasion to you’re and your spouse’s privacy, and second, if you want to know where you stand in comparison with other couples, you can still discuss this topic but very discreetly or read up about it. Now where is the problem? There are several:
1- Some men complain that their wives don’t enjoy sex anymore, or ever actually, which is very sad. Well here are some pointers that might help: Maybe you’re not approaching her the right way or at the right time? Maybe you need to understand the nature of women in that specific zone? Don’t compare her to your previous encounters because marriage is a whole different ball game with more responsibilities, worries, thoughts, etc.
PROBLEM: Men take the easy way out and just go fetch it outside, why? “Because my wife has changed”
2- Some women on the other hand complain that their husbands want sex ALL the time and that is not a comforting thing for them because they have other things to worry about. Hey ladies; give him a break. It’s a great thing that your husband finds you sexy and attractive and wants to get intimate with you.
PROBLEM: They keep rejecting them and then the man loses interest and also starts fetching outside! Why? “Because my wife has changed”.
3- Some women complain about the opposite; their man is just not interested in her anymore, she starts thinking “Am I not attractive anymore?”, “Did I gain weight?”, “Is he interested in someone else?”; and the questions in her head keep going and increasing. Well ladies, I’m not supporting the men here but we need to understand that they operate differently, they have a whole different “software” installed. They need to be in a good more, clear head, not exhausted, etc (which never happens), but you don’t want them to do it as a homework do you?
PROBLEM: Woman loosed self confidence, stops trying and initiating, feels down and undesired, man feels it, gets sick of it, and starts fetching outside! Why? “Because my wife has changed”.
Damn it, we always have to pay for anything! They key to the solution of this problem: Communication
Third party volunteers:
Now we all have a very very bad nature and that is we are Chit Chatters, all of us, men and women. We love to talk to anyone about everything in our lives and to be specific, we like to complain about our lives, no matter how well or bad they are going. The issue with chit chatting is that you will always get a second opinion about your problem, someone will always tell you that if they were in that situation they would do so and so. It’s usually a tougher reaction than the one you did and would do, at that point, you gradually start to feel angrier and get a heat up that you need to take a rough action. That is Bad! Your friends might not mean to hurt your relationship or get between you and your spouse but they automatically feel biased to you, and they think that advising you to take an action will make you feel better, while actually it may be putting a flame beside the fuel. What works with other men/women might not work with your spouse if put in the same situation. Third people in a relationship always screw it up sooner or later.
Pop comes the baby:
After all the family and friends’ nagging question about whether or not you’re pregnant, the couple decides to introduce a new family member, or maybe don’t decide but the family member comes along anyway, a new baby. Woman complains: “I’m tired, sleepless, headache, baby crying, baby hungry, baby needs a diaper change, hubby sleeps and I am taking all the Shit”, and it goes on and on. On the other hand, Man complains “ I can’t sleep from the crying, you’re always complaining about being tired, you don’t cook anymore, the house is a mess, you don’t care about me anymore, you’re giving the baby more attention”, and that also goes on and on. What were they expecting? This is a life changing experience that is supposed to be the most beautiful thing to go through. Yes it’s tough and not easy at all but if we all just know that it’s not before we go though it then we will take it a lot better. Some people say that a baby brings a couple closer, NO it doesn’t! A couple is supposed to be close and ready for something to be the cherry on top of their relationship: A baby. A newly born is a change that makes the most hard-hearted man drop on his knees waiting for a smile from his child; makes the most careless woman leave everything in the world and just impatiently wait for her baby’s first word. That is a change that might drag a couple away from each other if they do not understand that it is something that they both need to do and adapt to.
Before marriage we all like to paint and stroke a beautiful painting of how we imagine our lives to look. This painting is usually so colorful and bright and full of happy time and cuddles. I will not start bragging about how couples realize the different backgrounds and natures what we all know, but here is the thing, marriage is a great experience, it’s settling down, it’s commitment to a lifestyle and life rhythm, and all new! New means a lot by the way, it means adapting, it means dealing with whatever comes with it, it means priorities change. It’s also like getting a new job, you change your attitude, and they way you deal with people and things, and you learn and change over time. Why are people scared of change? So what if your spouse changed after marriage? You are entitled to change after marriage, nothing stays the same. Life changes people and we all have to adapt to them as we go along. People freak out when their partners change, “He used to do that”, “She used to say this”. if he or she are not doing the same thing they used to do before does not mean they love you less, it just means that they are growing up; with You!
Just a small humble assistance to everyone:
Change is nice; change is fresh, inhale it and enjoy everything that comes with it. Your partner will change and so will you, whether it is to the better or to the worse, understand the reasons behind the change and just do it slowly. Focus on the details and the little things that brought you together in the first place. It doesn’t mean that because he formed a belly or she gives more attention to your baby that you have grown apart. Your priorities have been re-arranged and all you need to do is reset them in your mind.